I am, as usual, bemoaning the problems that I am having finding a convenient way of making money. My ultimate aim of writing a blockbusting best seller is being obstructed by the reluctance of a suitable subject matter to offer itself up to me.
This is being exasperated by the current worldwide financial crisis not helping the day job, as companies draw in their horns or in my case their marketing budgets. Thus my wife is constantly pointing out to me that in life’s ‘penalty shoot out’ our outgoings, having taken the form of Germany, are beating our incomings, masquerading as England, with arrogant ease.
My precarious financial standing however is not a new phenomenon, it is something that I have managed, with great skill, to nurture most of my adult life. In fact reflecting upon it, most of my childhood was also spent in economic penury, but to be fair I cannot take full credit for that period.
I am not saying that I have never had money, in fact there have been times when I have been quite well off, but I cleverly have always managed to squander it without the encumbrance of wise investments. My wife does despair.
As I drove to work recently I thought deeply about how I could extract myself from my latest encounter with poverty. That day I was doing some promotional work at Doncaster Racecourse so the 3.15. Five Furlong Handicap seemed a perfect solution. Unfortunately as often happens in my experience my horse had a fractionally shorter neck than one of its rivals and it was back to the drawing board.
On the journey home however I remembered a scheme that I had thought up a few seasons ago when my local football team Leeds United were in serious financial difficulties and threatened with administration and decided to discuss it that evening over a few beers with my friend Biddercome. I do all my best work alcohol related.
I was due to meet Biddercome to review the latest stages of the book that he is writing ‘The Full English Breakfast'. It was envy of this venture that rekindled my desire for my own literary endeavour, or un-endeavour as the case unfortunately still is. I was officially there to discuss the fundamental requirements of fried bread. I don't actually like fried bread and much prefer toast however the latter will no doubt be for another day's meeting and further beers and analysis. Having chewed over the fried bread in a manner of speaking we progressed to discussing my potential money earning scheme.
I reminded Biddercome of the conversation that we had had when Leeds United owed in the region of 80 to 100 million pounds some years ago and were threatened with administration and relegation from the ‘top flight of English football' and how they bravely fought their way through all the trials and tribulations.
He not being a footballing fan rather cruelly pointed out that in fact the following year they did go into administration and now languish in the ‘third flight of English football'.
I think it is because he has got short legs why he is so spiteful.
Undeterred I pushed on, did he remember how I had suggested that if every single man, woman and child in the city and surrounding area gave a financial contribution to their plight that they could have been saved. He said that he did vaguely remember and that his response as he remembered it was, that each persons contribution would probably have had to have been in the region of ten pounds and considering that the vast majority of people in the area couldn't give a toss about the team that figure was a bit steep. As he belongs to this silent couldn't give a ‘toss' majority he also considered me a trifle sad for even thinking up ideas of how to save the club. I then said that on the back of that idea comes one to ease my own present day financial burdens.
His interest heightened.
I explained that the operation would be similar to the LU idea except “I wasn’t even expecting a seven-figure sum”.
I worked out that in the area where I live there are several hundred houses within a twenty-minute walk. Now if every household, not even every person, I’m not greedy, contributed a pound a week to the ‘Save Clarkson' fund I would accumulate a tidy living income.
Having considered my comments and consumed another pint of bitter Biddercome enquired “What would the said householders get for their pound?”
Well they would get a personal visit from me every week, to pick up the money and say “thank you”
I would adopt a flexible approach on best day for ‘collection' and be adaptable in collecting 2 contributions during holiday periods so they didn't worry about ‘missing me'.
Biddercome ruminated for quite some time before stating that he considered that I had the nucleus of a good idea but he still felt that my ‘clients' would be happier if their hard earned income was going toward useful charity work like the ‘Gay OAP fund' or ‘Caribbean Holidays for Habitual Offenders'.
He may have had a point but who knows with a bit of tweaking the scheme could still have legs.
However I have decided, for now, it may be better to re-concentrate upon the thorny issue of a subject matter for my literary masterpiece and with that in mind have added “Money Making Schemes for the Deranged” to my list of potential titles.
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